Another Year Gone, Another Clean Slate

Well this is the end of the year review if you want to call it that, and what a year it’s been. There’s been lots of highs and lots of lows. Despite all of the negative things I could complain about I am choosing not to and will admit that I have done some growing this year. I have done a lot of embarrassing, shameful and dumb things, said a lot of dumb things and am not too entirely happy with myself or my past, but the great thing about it all is that you fall to learn. 

Despite these things in my past but I honestly feel like God has been speaking to me and I hope to overcome these obstacles and issues that weigh me down in my life this summer. I have an opportunity to come clean, start over, and do things right because God has given me the opportunity. It’s not going to be easy, I have a lot of emotional issues, habits to break, and need to let go of my past and move on. 

I want to thank those friends of mine that have been there for me through the thick and the thin. Those who have lent an ear, gave me advice, prayed for me and have just been amazing friends. If it weren’t for you I might be in a worse place that I am right now. Thank you for never giving up on me. 

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

I am an interesting character. It’s always been my knowledge of how dumb I can be though sometimes. I have always tried my hardest to be someone who loves, treats people with honor and respect yet so many times I have failed over and over and over again. I have now realized that I am in need of a character change. I’ve been an idiot for far too long and it’s costing me things that mean a lot. It’s not an easy obstacle to overcome but it’s something that needs to happen. God has a lot of work to do and it’s time to start placing all of my trust in him that I can change into the man that I know he wants me to be. I don’t want to be angry, frustrated, the creep of a guy that I (despite people opposing these) that I am, because it’s brought me nothing but trouble. I’m sorry to those that I have been disrespectful to, those who’s lives I have made stressful, the drama I have created, trust me I’m just as disappointed as you are.
But I am a good man.
But I have flaws, and those flaws have cost me friendship and a reputation that I sometimes don’t think can mend. I’ll never be understood as anyone other than what I have displayed since the time I have been here. I am ashamed of that. I hope that in the future I can change peoples minds and hopefully will amount up to someone who is really worthy of being called a great friend and a TRUE man of God. It’s not my purpose in life to be what any of you want, it’s what God wants me to be, but I have even failed at that and for that I apologize. I have been so dumb to those people in my life that I care about and have acted childish and there is no taking that back. I should have acted like a real man, but I didn’t. I hope that this can somehow work out for the better.

I have a lot to get off of my chest tonight. This is going to be a little hectic but I feel this is a way to really do this.
First I am sick of feeling like I stand in peoples shadows. I am the younger brother, and I have lived my entire life feeling like I stand in the shadows of my brother and other people, feel like I am less intelligent, like I am less thought of, (not loved by any means, but I feel like others are held in higher regard than me because of my personality). It makes me so mad that I have always lived in this shadow, and it drives me to want to be more successful than them, to show others that I am not the little brother or the shy person who lets others take the prize, I’m going to be someone great and do great things with my life because that is what God has in store for me.
Maybe that’s where a lot of my anger and frustration comes from. I was told that I was the one with the personality and not the brains by someone close to me. Whether it was in a joking manner or not it hurt pretty good because it makes me feel like crap. I love the person anyways but that sucks. I’m also sick of people treating me like I am in middle school when I am a 24 year old adult. I don’t need people telling me to stop being upset or to not do or say this because I am capable of doing this myself. It’s getting kind of old and I am not the little brother anymore.
Secondly I was jokingly told that I am probably one of the most feared people here at CCU. This sucks, joking or not. I’m not mad at anyone but myself. I realize how much of an idiot I am, and realize it’s probably best i haven’t ever got anything I have ever attempted here because i don’t deserve it because of how I treat others and how I handle things, whatever that might be (friendships, girls, music opportunities..anything).
I don’t know what the future holds for me but I hope that God changes my heart, transforms my life and helps me find peace that I am looking for in these situations because they really do put me in a crap mood. I am proud to be who I am, and although I might seem rough around the edges sometimes, or seem this or that I love Jesus with all my heart and I am a great guy with a lot to offer and a lot of love to show and give to others who want it and someone will notice that someday.

Believe Me I'm Lying

Due to these upcoming events and other things, I have found it on my heart to start engaging more in my prayer life. My prayer life, or sometimes lack thereof has been the downfall of my walk with Christ. Sometimes I get so caught up my day to day activities that I forget or never get around to simply talking with God. It’s something that my life needs because I have needs. 

Let’s be frank, life is good but sometimes I just let things really get to me. It’s because of all of these fears, doubts, failures that I have began turning to God. It’s still something that I am consistently working on but the amount of joy I find in casting all of my worries on Christ presents an overwhelming sense of satisfaction and encouragement. Prayer is a powerful thing.

As I continue on my journey I begin to find a new sense of trust and relief in God that I can’t find anywhere on this earth. I really wish that there was another way to fully escape some of life’s hardships but the only way to fully relieve it’s stresses is by praying and giving it all to God. 

Upon this upcoming trip to Ireland here in 2 days I have really been praying that God heal me, use me, and help me find peace in a place that last time offered me one of the greatest times of peace in my life. Things make it a little different but I trust that I can help me let go and find peace, allowing him to work through me, helping me change the lives of the people of Northern Ireland. All I know is that I love Jesus with all of my heart and I realize that he has a plan for me. If I pray and ask for him to guide me, and give me opportunity he will do so. That’s what an all loving God does.

Romans 8:26
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.