Another Year Gone, Another Clean Slate

Well this is the end of the year review if you want to call it that, and what a year it’s been. There’s been lots of highs and lots of lows. Despite all of the negative things I could complain about I am choosing not to and will admit that I have done some growing this year. I have done a lot of embarrassing, shameful and dumb things, said a lot of dumb things and am not too entirely happy with myself or my past, but the great thing about it all is that you fall to learn. 

Despite these things in my past but I honestly feel like God has been speaking to me and I hope to overcome these obstacles and issues that weigh me down in my life this summer. I have an opportunity to come clean, start over, and do things right because God has given me the opportunity. It’s not going to be easy, I have a lot of emotional issues, habits to break, and need to let go of my past and move on. 

I want to thank those friends of mine that have been there for me through the thick and the thin. Those who have lent an ear, gave me advice, prayed for me and have just been amazing friends. If it weren’t for you I might be in a worse place that I am right now. Thank you for never giving up on me. 

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

I am an interesting character. It’s always been my knowledge of how dumb I can be though sometimes. I have always tried my hardest to be someone who loves, treats people with honor and respect yet so many times I have failed over and over and over again. I have now realized that I am in need of a character change. I’ve been an idiot for far too long and it’s costing me things that mean a lot. It’s not an easy obstacle to overcome but it’s something that needs to happen. God has a lot of work to do and it’s time to start placing all of my trust in him that I can change into the man that I know he wants me to be. I don’t want to be angry, frustrated, the creep of a guy that I (despite people opposing these) that I am, because it’s brought me nothing but trouble. I’m sorry to those that I have been disrespectful to, those who’s lives I have made stressful, the drama I have created, trust me I’m just as disappointed as you are.
But I am a good man.
But I have flaws, and those flaws have cost me friendship and a reputation that I sometimes don’t think can mend. I’ll never be understood as anyone other than what I have displayed since the time I have been here. I am ashamed of that. I hope that in the future I can change peoples minds and hopefully will amount up to someone who is really worthy of being called a great friend and a TRUE man of God. It’s not my purpose in life to be what any of you want, it’s what God wants me to be, but I have even failed at that and for that I apologize. I have been so dumb to those people in my life that I care about and have acted childish and there is no taking that back. I should have acted like a real man, but I didn’t. I hope that this can somehow work out for the better.

I have a lot to get off of my chest tonight. This is going to be a little hectic but I feel this is a way to really do this.
First I am sick of feeling like I stand in peoples shadows. I am the younger brother, and I have lived my entire life feeling like I stand in the shadows of my brother and other people, feel like I am less intelligent, like I am less thought of, (not loved by any means, but I feel like others are held in higher regard than me because of my personality). It makes me so mad that I have always lived in this shadow, and it drives me to want to be more successful than them, to show others that I am not the little brother or the shy person who lets others take the prize, I’m going to be someone great and do great things with my life because that is what God has in store for me.
Maybe that’s where a lot of my anger and frustration comes from. I was told that I was the one with the personality and not the brains by someone close to me. Whether it was in a joking manner or not it hurt pretty good because it makes me feel like crap. I love the person anyways but that sucks. I’m also sick of people treating me like I am in middle school when I am a 24 year old adult. I don’t need people telling me to stop being upset or to not do or say this because I am capable of doing this myself. It’s getting kind of old and I am not the little brother anymore.
Secondly I was jokingly told that I am probably one of the most feared people here at CCU. This sucks, joking or not. I’m not mad at anyone but myself. I realize how much of an idiot I am, and realize it’s probably best i haven’t ever got anything I have ever attempted here because i don’t deserve it because of how I treat others and how I handle things, whatever that might be (friendships, girls, music opportunities..anything).
I don’t know what the future holds for me but I hope that God changes my heart, transforms my life and helps me find peace that I am looking for in these situations because they really do put me in a crap mood. I am proud to be who I am, and although I might seem rough around the edges sometimes, or seem this or that I love Jesus with all my heart and I am a great guy with a lot to offer and a lot of love to show and give to others who want it and someone will notice that someday.

Believe Me I'm Lying

Due to these upcoming events and other things, I have found it on my heart to start engaging more in my prayer life. My prayer life, or sometimes lack thereof has been the downfall of my walk with Christ. Sometimes I get so caught up my day to day activities that I forget or never get around to simply talking with God. It’s something that my life needs because I have needs. 

Let’s be frank, life is good but sometimes I just let things really get to me. It’s because of all of these fears, doubts, failures that I have began turning to God. It’s still something that I am consistently working on but the amount of joy I find in casting all of my worries on Christ presents an overwhelming sense of satisfaction and encouragement. Prayer is a powerful thing.

As I continue on my journey I begin to find a new sense of trust and relief in God that I can’t find anywhere on this earth. I really wish that there was another way to fully escape some of life’s hardships but the only way to fully relieve it’s stresses is by praying and giving it all to God. 

Upon this upcoming trip to Ireland here in 2 days I have really been praying that God heal me, use me, and help me find peace in a place that last time offered me one of the greatest times of peace in my life. Things make it a little different but I trust that I can help me let go and find peace, allowing him to work through me, helping me change the lives of the people of Northern Ireland. All I know is that I love Jesus with all of my heart and I realize that he has a plan for me. If I pray and ask for him to guide me, and give me opportunity he will do so. That’s what an all loving God does.

Romans 8:26
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.

808s and Heartbreak

Let's focus on the opposite sex for this blog.

I'm always a "great guy" but never good enough to be dateable it seems.

I mean everyone has their crushes and interests. Some have one, some have a couple, I don't think it's that bad or uncommon. But the thing that sucks the most is when you start letting this issue consume your days, your weeks.

I have put everything I want in front of my relationship with Jesus. It's a serious turnoff for about anyone who will read this and I don't think most people will believe me when I say that it's never been an act of desperation to find my soulmate. I'm perfectly happy being single, I have time, money, it's great.

I know one day I'll find a gorgeous, perfect girl and I am going to do my best to be the best husband and loving father that I can be. I think about it form time to time and it makes me happy knowing in my heart that I am going to be able to put that girl up on a pedestal and make her feel like she is the most loved and important person in the entire world. I hope I make her understand that she is my everything and I will love her until death. I'll be a great father, and show my kids how much they mean to me and that they are the most precious things to me, along side their mother. But that is a ways down the road.

But it's been getting in the way of a lot of things. I have been worrying about trying to find happiness in others that I have been ignoring that Jesus has been trying to get my attention. Amongst the emotions of this week God has seriously been like "snap out of it, um I'm waiting." I think this is a time for me to build my personal security and find out my identity.

I can't believe I have put a self serving love in front of an unconditional love that just wants me to let him take care of it. I'll be honest I am really scared to let someone else be in control of my life. That and I lack patience. I don't feel like I have let God play a big enough role to ease my nerves about all of this stuff, maybe that's why I am so frustrated. I need to let God show me that I am a good guy, build my security, show me what he wants for me and then he'll take care of things.

God is such a huge deal to me, I think that I have always been so concerned with taking care of things myself that I have just shoved him to the side and that's probably why things don't ever work out. I honestly feel like if they did they probably wouldn't be good. if I wasn't complacent with God's involvement in my own life, they'd be a mess if I threw someone else into the equation.

I love Jesus with all my heart. I have always associated myself with David. Like David I have always defied God, but I want to be the greatest follower of God, be a man after his heart. I want to be steadfast in my faith and truly believe and trust that someone else can make everything go right, that someone else will make things great for me. But I always do the opposite and do what he wants. Maybe it's time to let go and let God start leading my life where he has always meant for it to go.
~B

Dinner With A Gypsy

   So my summer is officially over. It was a long grueling one at that too, working in the paving business. Well I didn't do actual paving, but about everything else associated with it (seal-coating, urethane for running tracks, crack filling, resurfacing tennis courts) basically 11-15 hour days all week long. Total suckage, but awesome...buckage? (Yes I win that one) It made me learn to appreciate those individuals who are in these lines of work.

I guess if I could pick something out of the summer that really hit me other than the 2 week stint of making $1,000 take home pay it would have to be my final day of work this last Friday. The individuals of Heiberger Paving were the most high quality people, most holding numerous criminal records w/jail time, drug and alcohol addictions and mouths so filthy they would make Lil Wayne look like Joe Jonas. Let's just say it's been a trip.

So my final day I was working with some individuals at a local High School resurfacing a tennis court, and one of the guys just got on my nerves. He couldn't hardly talk, was drinking all day long, yelled at me all the time and basically rolled his eyes at me like I was the most useless person on the planet. He was just a grumpy old strung out guy. I about lost it and made a little gesture that I'm sure he probably caught. I am not proud of it and felt bad and extremely awkward as I realized I would have to drive him back to the shop (suspended license, another thing most people had). As we geared up for our drive back home I actually prayed and said "God, please let this go by quick and not be awkward I can't stand this guy at all." 

God answered my prayer.

But he made it a bit better.

It started when I called my Dad to tell him I was on my way home I mentioned something about the soon to be done tattoo. I hung up the phone and he asked me (drunk btw but still) "What's your tattoo?" I explained it to him, feeling kind of weird that he'd tell me it was stupid cause it's about God. 

No.

"So you religious?"

"Yeah I'm a Christian."

That single question opened up the door for a 30 minute conversation about God, religion, and other things.

Now I understood that he was very firm in not caring about God or religion at all, and nothing was going to change his mind, but the opportunity to plant the seed was there and I got to take it. It's funny how God can take situations like that and make them into such a goldmine of opportunity to share the love of Jesus. 

It was a great summer.   

~B

To The Service

To The Service. What a great title. I absolutely love this song and this band. It's rock and roll worship at it's finest. I think it gives an accurate depiction of how precious worship really is. Paddy really throws out some awesome lyrics.

I think that worship is a time to glorify God for the great things he has done for us. It's a time for us to come clean and prepare for God and his presence. I especially love the line "We will worship like it's the last time." It shows us that we should make it a serious personal event and should hold it up with fervor and entitlement to God like it's the last time we ever will.

Worship is a service to God for the things he's done.

Prepare yourself.

Good stuff.

Little Green Men, Didn't Come From Outer Space

I love Star Wars. One of the greatest film series the world has ever seen. Full of action, suspense, victory, romance and full of life lessons. This scene in particular is one of my favorite scenes in cinema history. Luke Skywalker is in amazement that Master Yoda is able to lift the X-Wing out of the marshes. Skywalker states "I don't believe it", while Yoda simply replies "That is why you fail." One of the best lines of cinema I have ever heard.

I have been looking at getting a tattoo for some time, but I have been in search of one that really reflects my relationship with God. I was lucky enough to come across a design that I found really hit close to home. It is a realistic drawing of a hand reaching out of water grasping onto another hand. Yes I am sure you can figure out where this concept is deriving from and what it is implying. Matthew 14:22-36.




Peter tells Jesus that if it is really him than he will come, to which Jesus replies "Come." A very simple response. Peter begins walking towards Jesus, but begins to doubt and falls into the water. Jesus reaches out and grabs Peter's hand and pulls him to safety.

"You of little faith, why did you doubt?"

I feel a lot like Peter sometimes, willing to get out of the boat but afraid to believe. I feel like Luke Skywalker in that my disbelief causes me to fail.

I don't really think that poorly of myself and my ability but I don't want to be like Luke, "I'll try". It's "Do or do not, there is no try." I know that we can try to please God and that he encourages us to, but I want to be that person who "does". I think sometimes we are so afraid to believe and trust that our "try" lacks motivation. I want to "do".

I dunno I guess I just have a lot of good motivation on my mind right now.

Milestones

I'm one of those people who has had some bad things happen to them that have cut down pretty deep and caused some pain. I know I let it affect me way too much in my life but there's always some moment where it snaps and I get really depressed and bitter towards life. I just keep it in and let it consume me, basically making my life miserable.

There are millions of others out there who suffer from the same type of feeling. But what gets me more than anything is how we hold everything in. Why are we so afraid to use what pain we have gone through to help others? Most of us just keep to ourselves and hold in our stories and emotions, wishing things could be different when we could use what we have learned from our experiences to help make a difference in others lives and help them find the joy and hope they are so desperately seeking.

Jesus experienced the sin and suffering of humanity and used his experience to perform the single greatest act of compassion for mankind. He died to help us understand that despite our nature we are forgiven and can live our lives knowing that we are loved unconditionally and that whether in our ups or our downs, he is always with us. Through his scars we learn to heal.

Seem like a silly concept doesn't it? Sharing the experiences of our pain to ease others? We get so caught up in trying to find answers to our own problems today we rarely think about a simple idea.. Helping others helps us heal.

Jesus calls us to be disciples and to bring others hope. Sharing our scars is a simple act of love that opens the door for others to find that hope and peace that they are searching for.

It's like the lyrics say, "As long as we live, every scar is a bridge to someone's heart, and there's no greater love than that one shed his blood for his friends." The metaphor is an overwhelming statement.

Help others heal.

Love.

Just a thought ~B

Finally...The Ireland Story (or most of it)

Ok so this is way past overdue.

So about 3 weeks ago I was fortunate enough to travel with a missions team of students and staff from here at CCU to the town of Dundrum in North Ireland. Our main focus was to build relationships and work with the youth in the city of Downpatrick.

It was kind of surreal for a while that i was actually about to embark on a journey across the pond. I wasn't really sure what to expect, except that it was going to be an awesome experience that I would never forget. The flight from Cincinnati to Chicago was a breeze, even though we suffered a delayed layover in O'Hare. The flight from Chicago to Dublin was a whopping 7 hours, which was ok because it worked out to where it was an overnight flight and didn't really throw my internal clock off too much. The flight over however was probably one of the most uncomfortable experiences of my entire life. I am pretty sure I got about 2-3 hours of sleep here and there total.

Arriving in Dublin was awesome. The thought that I had just left my entire life, all my problems, all my worries, left almost 3,600 miles away was so gratifying. It was time to let loose and have the most fun I have probably ever experienced in my entire life. Customs was kind of lame to get through because there were only 3 lanes open with a lobby full of about 100+ people coming from America for St. Patty's day. After a little 30 minute stint we were in the country and were on our way to our new home for the next 2 weeks.

We had to drive probably about 2 hours to Dundrum from Dublin stopping at an old cemetery, (I'm not exactly sure where) that held some of the oldest remaining Celtic Crosses in existence. Afterwards we finished our drive to Dundrum and Murlough House where we were staying.

It's an old 1800's manor and was smack dab in the middle of a nature preserve, which was home to some beautiful scenery such as the Mourne Mountains, Irish Coast .

God really has it for these people when it comes to the scenery there. Some of the sights I was introduced to in the first 30 minutes of being in Dundrum are out of this world. There is also a castle right in the town of Dundrum which we went to the first day we were there. Normally it rains all the time in Ireland and somehow we were fortunate enough to be blessed with sunshine for almost the full two weeks. It still averaged around 40 degrees everyday but, wow we were blessed.

The first full day we attended the Downpatrick Presbyterian church in downtown Downpatrick. It's not much different that churches here in America and was very enjoyable. People there were excited to meet us and had loads of questions for us. Later on that evening we were fortunate enough to work with the youth from the Presbyterian church. Some of our best connections we made with people there came from a few of these kids.

Ok real quick this picture to the left is me standing in the middle of Dundrum Bay. Now how you may ask? The tide will come all the way into shore at one point, and an hour later it would be a half mile out to sea. it's so strange I have never seen anything like it before. The whole bay empties out. unreal.

Our basic day was to wake up to breakfast, have some time for a lesson from John Moxen, who is the founder of Murlough and is probably one of the most humble people I have met. I sometimes felt like he could be a little over the top but he is a great speaker none the less. After lessons there would be lunch and then we set off to our different areas that we worked in. There were two teams, one at a place called Knocknashina Park, and the other where I was at which was a soccer field in a development called Model Farm. First understand this, the kids at Knocknashina were a little bit more well mannered than our kids (so you can imagine). It's really different being outside of America. It took about the first 5 minutes working with these kids to see that there is a serious lack of family structure, manners and personal care. I was cussed out by a 2 year old. Yes. 2 year old. They were extremely curious to know who we were and why we were here, and tried to break us by getting us to swear or do bad things, and we simply told them that's not something we believe in.

Over the 2 weeks we were able to make some good progress by getting asked to tell bible stories, which blew some of us away. These kids knew why we were here, and they wanted us to do our jobs it seemed like which was awesome. However, due to reasons beyond my control the local Catholics didn't like our presence at Knocknashina and asked us to leave, which we did the second to last full day, after the work had already been done. Some of the parents were outraged and met up with members of Murlough and Rick to sign a petition for us to come back, and even offered to raise money to bring us back!! I can't begin to explain how that support made us feel as a group. We were loved by people that didn't even know us and wanted us to have another opportunity to do what we came to do.

We had some good stories. Good laughs. I joined in on the cow tag (there are big cows on the preservation that we play tag with) and I was able to tag 2, one in the first and only cow tag drive-by in history. I was proud of myself, however I am still behind Rick (it's his game) and I got busted eventually after a brief fall which tore me up a bit, that ruined cow tag for good I think. Sorry Rick for ruining your dreams.

We were fortunate enough to be in Ireland for St. Patrick's Day which was INCREDIBLE. The parade was fantastic, we attended a prayer-walk from the Saul Church ( below which is the site of the first Christian Church founded by St. Patrick in Ireland) to Downpatrick Cathedral (right). Two miles with 3 stops for prayer over the community. What a spectacular event. Not to mention Downpatrick Cathedral is beautiful.

The sights were incredible during our time. We got to travel to the north coast on our last full day and hit up spots such as Belfast, Giants Causeway and Dunluce Castle (picture is the third one down from the top), Belfast Cathedral, and of course who could forget the BEST fish and chips ever at The Galley.

Have I mentioned God makes awesome scenery?

To the right is the capital building in Belfast, below is Giants Causeway and  below that is Dunluce Castle.

I could go on and on with stories and pictures but I guess this is the point where I sum up my experience. Before our trip I had really felt like I was struggling with the things God wanted to show me. I was angry about things back home and confused and I wanted God to reveal himself to me and to open my eyes to a world outside our perfect "bubble" that we call America. God showed me a culture who is in desperate need of hope, peace and love. Through our work at the prayer room we created in Downpatrick for St. Patrick's day, or the time we spent with the kids at model farm, God showed me he is good, he is genuine and he has a plan for me to help others in this world other than myself. It has given me compassion and motivation to stop living in a selfish state of mind all of the time and to start reaching out to others and telling them about the recent joys I have discovered during my time in Ireland.

One last story. I have never felt more emotion than I did with this. As I sit here at 1:50 AM finishing this my eyes begin to tear. One of our girls from the Presbyterian church had become one of my favorites because we shared some common interest in music. Me being the funny sarcastic American I try to be teased her about not talking too much to us because she "hated us". It was a huge joke. Later on that night, my friend Rachel had said she was talking to her about it and she said she felt bad because she didn't talk much. It was because she didn't want to become attached because we were leaving.

I think that is the memory that has stuck with me the most. I can honestly sit here and tell you that I have never been in a position where we (and I) have brought so much excitement and joy and have this feeling that you have made such an impact in someones life like that. I am praying that God has more in store for me in a returning trip next year. To follow up on what we established and hopefully keep making an impact on the lives of the people in Northern Ireland.

If you'd like to see more pics please click the following links and if you have questions and want to hear more (which I have toms more [ going into the schools, prayer room, etc.] please comment and let me know).

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2019269&id=196902202&l=6a9748d7c4 (Album 1)

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2019272&id=196902202&l=0c1fcba036  (Album 2)

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2019273&id=196902202&l=8a2989df81  (Album 3)

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2019281&id=196902202&l=9f035be695  (Album 4)

Go mbeannaí Dia duit(May God bless you)

~ B

A little update Pt. 1

 Yeah so I haven't written here in a while so but I am dead tired so I'll make it short. I had the recent opportunity to head with CCU on a missions trip to Northern Ireland and wow, I mean just...wow. God makes some pretty awesome scenery and some pretty awesome people. I'll try to make a more detailed outline about our trip in another post here soon.

I'll be honest, i really didn't know what to expect form this trip. I had been having a rough patch just before we left, and I was begging God to show me...something. As soon as I was on that plane all of my worries went out the window. Talk about a just plain relaxing time that we had.
Ireland is an awesome country. The difference of culture didn't really start sinking in until about the 3rd day or so. Once we started establishing why we were there you could tell there was almost this tension or something. You knew we were going against the masses in another country. The kids we worked with were out of this world. I think there has only been one day since we have been back that i haven't talked to at least one of them.

It's cool knowing you have friends from across the other side of the planet. It's almost like a distant relative you always enjoy seeing and can't wait to go back to again. Hopefully opportunity will arise to head back next year so we can follow up on our work. Plus I know I am just as excited to see our kids as they are to see us.

It's weird. One girl told one of our team members that they were afraid to get attached because we were just leaving. I guess that's something that really hit me in the gut, feeling like me being around someone is so enjoyable for them. Like you make a difference or something. God has been working at my heart through this experience. I guess sometimes I have felt out of touch with God and was hoping this experience would draw me back. I can't say I haven't settled back in a bit, but God has already opened the door.

I guess you can say I found a little bit of myself during our stay in the green isle. I hope that these feelings of hope and joy will continue till the next time we return.

This is a picture of our group with some of the kids we met from Downpatrick Presbyterian Church. They are some of the coolest people I will probably ever meet in my lifetime. I pray for them every night, that God will work in their lives, the way he has worked in mine.

Let us continually worship you God, even with our unclean hands..To you we give our praise.

~B

Two

The other day I had the opportunity to be the best man at my brothers wedding. I can't explain how excited and proud I am of him, waiting all that time for his perfect girl.

What passion

What determination

I don't really think that anyone was really nervous about things other than Heather (my brothers wife) but I knew I had one thing on my task list for the day that gave me some butterflies.

My speech.

Now I have to admit I'm not really too shy of a person when it comes to being in front of an audience. I tried all day to build my courage up so I could give the most memorable speech in the history of wedding speeches.

The time came.

I was nervous.

I had written everything out and decided to not read word for word. I guess it turned out ok (or so they all say) and I was happy that I just got through it. As much fear and uncertainty as there was floating around all day from everyone, we trusted that things would go smoothly.

Marriage can be a scary thing. You and your significant other begin on a journey

A marriage takes trust and sacrifice from both sides of the party to help guide each other in their daily decisions and to sacrifice yourself for the other person.

Love takes sacrifice.

Sacrifice takes trust.

Love without trust is futile.

In the book of Genesis there's a story about a guy named Abraham and his son Isaac. Now we read in the earlier chapters of Genesis that Abraham was married to a woman named Sarah and she was without child her entire life.

She was pushing 90 years of age.

That is a long, long time.

In Genesis 17  God speaks to Abraham and tells him that his wife Sarah will be with child.

Abraham laughs.

Sarah laughs as well.

You remember that she is 90 right?

I want to skip forward a few chapters to Genesis 22, after the birth of Isaac. God comes to Abraham and says "Abraham!" to which Abraham makes the famous reply "Here I Am". God then commands him to take Isaac to the mountains in region of Moriah and offer him as a burnt sacrifice.

Now STOP.

BURNT SACRIFICE?

HIS SON, WHO HE LOVES?

GOD ARE YOU CRAZY?

I imagine that these were a few of the first thoughts that popped into Abraham's head. I mean sacrificing his son, the one which God miraculously provided through his ninety year old wife?

No. No, no, no, no, no.

This is outrageous. But we see that Abraham makes no objections and the next day takes Isaac with him into the mountains. I can only imagine that trip. The thoughts about what was to come. Isaac had no idea what was about to happen. But Abraham is willing to sacrifice what he holds most dear, because it is what God asks of him.

Abraham is willing to sacrifice for his love.

As the story continues Abraham leads Isaac up into the mountains and on their way up Isaac asks him "Where is the lamb for the offering?"

Abraham replies "God himself will provide the lamb for the burnt offering."

I can only imagine Abrahams emotions as he knew what was really going on. He prepares the alter and binds Isaac (which I am sure was not an easy thing to accomplish, I'd be fighting back). Abraham reaches and takes out the knife to slay Isaac when suddenly the Lord shouts:

"ABRAHAM!"

"Here I am" he replies (notice how Abrahams language points that he knows God is always near by?)

The Lord says, "Do not lay a hand on the boy. Now I know that you fear God because you have not withheld your son."

I tell you what I would be relieved but upset at the same time.

You tested me with my son's life on the line?

Sometimes we think we have it so bad. That we have to sacrifice the pitiful things in our lives for love, when people like Abraham were called to sacrifice their children. How selfish are we as humans?

Abraham had trust in God and his love for God was so pure. It is the the kind of love and trust that we should exert in our own spiritual lives as well as in our daily lives with the people we interact with and with the situations we are put in.

Be faithful. Sacrifice. Trust.

Love.

There's a really great song called Wake Dead Man, Wake by the band As Cities Burn and the end lyrics of this song are the most perfect calling of our trust to God.

Love.
What is love without trust?
At my word would you bring your Isaac?

We must trust and love God with all of us. We must sacrifice.

One

I want to try something new.

You with me so far?

Recently I have felt really angry with God. There have been some things that have just been bugging me to the "enth" degree. The "enth" degree...pretty serious huh? I was to a point where I was just questioning God like "What is your deal God"? "Why are you letting this happen to me, why do you allow this?" I felt like God was punishing me or something.

Do you ever feel like that? Do you ever just get so bent up about the way your life is and the things that happen that you sometimes miss out on the big picture?

You know in the Bible there's this guy whose name is Job. Job is a devout follower of God, he is described as being "blameless and upright". Now this doesn't mean that Job was sinless but it showed that he was faithful in the eyes of the Lord. Job is told as being blessed by the hands of God so that his flocks may spread throughout the land.

Job was blessed.

Job was favored in the eyes of God.

But as we read in Job we see that Jobs faithfulness would be tested. We see one day that his oxen and donkeys were taken, his sheep were killed, his camels were taken, and his sons and daughters were killed as well as his servants keeping eye over the flocks.

Did I mention that this was all in ONE DAY?

Job lost EVERYTHING.

I mean come on. That's not fair is it? Hasn't Job been faithful? What did Job do to deserve this. His entire family killed. His livestock stolen.

But Job was faithful and praised God.

Another day Job is afflicted with painful sores from head to toe. The Bible says that Job took a piece of broken pottery and scraped himself with it to ease his discomfort. Now I don't know about you but I cringe just thinking about that. Scraping flesh with a sharp object. Ick. I mean at this point I would be in a fit of rage. GOD WHAT DID I DO TO YOU!? Why are you making my life miserable? I mean I've already lost everything why don't you just let me be?

Job 2:9 says that Jobs wife questions him and asks "Are you still holding onto your integrity? Curse God and die!" Sounds like a great Idea huh? Just say forget you God. I am done!

Job could give in.

But Job is faithful.

Now I doubt that many of us have had painful sores from head to toe, or have had our livestock stolen, or had our entire families wiped out but we all have suffering, we all have bad things happen in our lives and our pain can be real sometimes can't it?

Lately I've been reading this book by Rob Bell called "Velvet Elvis", and in this book there is something that caught my attention probably more than anything else in the book. He makes this point where he states that God thrives on our suffering.

Wait. God? The creator God? The loving compassionate God thriving on our being miserable? What nerve!

But the more and more I read into it, I found myself agreeing.

Now I want you to hear me out before we jump to arguments. If we think about suffering we see that the worst events in our life somehow bring us closer to God. He loves it when we are at the lowest points in our lives because that's when we see the big picture.

We can't heal alone.

We need God to heal.

We have nowhere else to turn but to cry out to a loving and merciful God. To place our broken hearts and lives in the hands of the one who can put the pieces back together.

WE need to be faithful. Even in the midst of our pain.

I was having one of those nights the other night you know where you are just upset, I mean your so frustrated by events and stress in your life. It just so happened that a buddy of mine was online and messaged me and we got to talking about how the night was going. I explained my situation and frustration and we talked about things and he gave me this challenge: "When you wake up tomorrow morning, just say to yourself I have a God who loves me." Quite a challenge huh? I mean to say those words in light of the stuff I was going through. I wondered if i would feel any different by saying it.

Funny thing...I did.

I woke up that next morning and the first words out of my mouth were "I have a God who loves me." It wasn't easy but as the day progressed I began to feel a change on my heart. I told myself that for this one day I would be faithful no matter what. Things seemed easier.

I think it's funny how we always see the negative things in our lives and overlook all of the things that God has blessed us with. Overcoming our selfishness is the first step in our recovery. We have to realize the blessings that God has provided and stop concentrating on the negative things that happen in our lives.

Now believe me it takes time, it's not like it happens right away. I have had to be patient and be faithful that God would help me and he continues to do so every day.

So here is my challenge to you.

Be faithful to God and trust that he loves you and that he will take care of you. No matter what.

Take that anger, regret, those feelings of pain and rejection..and let the scars heal. Let God work in your life and let him give you a new outlook on your life.

Be faithful.

Trust me it's worth it.

"But be sure to fear the Lord and serve him faithfully with all your heart; consider what great things he has done for you." - 1 Samuel 12:24

Quick Update!

As I sit here procrastinating more and more on my Old Testament History project I decided to give a little update.
There are 3 weeks of school left (hallelujah!) and I am more stressed out then I have been all semester. I guess this is what I get for coming back to school but it'll be worth it.
Some more Ireland money came in today! 100 bucks, that is a blessing! I forgot to put the due date on my letters though so that's probably why I haven't gotten very many back. That is the highlight of my stress right now though is getting the funds for that. I am so excited to go though.
Ok well other than that just pray that these next few weeks go by as stress free as they can.
Later.

Overdue

OK so i have sucked at doing this. I'm just really not as into it i guess. Not like anyone reads this anyways so that makes it worse. It's thanksgiving break now and I am so happy! I love this place severely but I need a few away from everyone to gain back my sanity. I have been going through this phase, I don't like it either where I have been in the dumps. It sucks it's just people an life issues, and stress that is just piling up.

However I am excited to say that today I was notified that I was accepted for the missions team to Northern Ireland in the spring!

Here is my issue though. I have faith that my funds will be provided for but I am worried still. 1720 is a lot of money. I dunno this is probably the most stressful thing right now. If I could just get it paid for entirely the amount of weight lifted of of my shoulders would be monumental! Pray for this opportunity and for my direction in life that God gets me back on track.

Other than that yeah the only thing that gets to me anymore is people. I love this college but people are driving me up a wall. I just wish that people would make up their minds, be humble and stop holding things in I guess. I don't know why it bothers me but it just does and it's starting to get to me.

I have been praying that God points me in a direction in life and helps me to understand that the most important thing in life is something that is not of this earth. I have been blessed in more ways than I know but yet I complain about how things aren't fair. I think I have felt like God was testing me or letting things happen because of how my heart was and I have come to the realization that it's not his doing.

I began asking God to intervene in my life. I know that it can't be perfect but I asked that my heart be set on his course instead of my own. I think it's funny how selfish we as human beings can be. We ignore that there is a creator working in our daily lives and instead of turning to him for help we complain about how miserable we are and try to do things on our own to no prevail.

There is still a part of me that searches every single day, and some days I feel as if there is nothing else for me to do.

Matthew 21:21-22 says "I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and it will be done. ²²If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer."

I leave you with this quote....

"I have been driven many times upon my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had nowhere else to go." - Abraham Lincoln

Fall Break!

Wow this semester has been flying by. Hocking didn't seem to go this fast. Maybe that's because I am actually enjoying myself here. Hmm. So I am excited for a recent opportunity to go on a missions trip to Northern Ireland for 2 weeks in March. I am still praying on it but I know that I will do it given it's such an amazing opportunity. I have never even been out of the country before so I am super excited, plus to go to such a beautiful country!

Anyways. I am managing pretty well with classes and whatnot. I think BBD (Basic Bible Doctrines) may be the toughest class I have so far. It's making me think outside the box and really look at the reality of God and how he works. It's fascinating. I am pulling some pretty good grades too which makes me feel so smart even though I know I'm not.

Living on campus is sweet too. I am making some awesome connections that make me feel blessed every single day. I really think that there is no experience like living on campus.

I just finished up fall break and well so far my computer has broken, I got a Mac which is sweet, but now I am in debt and wonder about how I am going to pay all my debt off plus if this Ireland trip is gonna happen. Other than that it has been ok.
I am still praying that Dad finds work too or we're gonna be hurting soon. Please continue to pray for us.
~B

Update!

So I'm about my 3rd or 4th week into school and things are going pretty good. Making friends seems to be getting easier and the shenanigans are starting already. I'm super exctied to announce that I have started writing some music with some exceptional bros and we'll be playing in our capus battle of the bands coming up here in the near future. We don't even really have a name yet though which is kind of a big deal so I'm thinking we should probably get on that. I'm trying to get some pictures up of campus and what not here probably by the next blog for those of you who may even read this (Mason?) but I do have my favorite one, which I get to see this amazing view every day here. It's even better at night too as you could imagine but really you need to be here for yourself to experience the real thing.

I have been feeling kind of sick which is scary anymore because of this whole swine flu pandemic. Apparently they were thinking of shutting down Xavier due to the huge out break (which Xavier is just right dwn the road a ways) which has everyone on high alert. I would hate for them to have to send us home for a while, I love it here too much. But miraculously have felt incredible the last 2 days, minus yesterday but that is due to the OSU USC game. I still am looking for some kind of work though so please pray that I can get an oppertunity.

I should be moving into a new room today since my other two roommates bailed on me before classes even started. It kind of sucks but I don't have the extra like $450 for a single. I think it's kind of lame but rules are rules.

Till then,

Brian

First Week!

Well today was just plain awesome. Classes were basically nothing and the food was slammin in my opinion. Being at a place like this is just the most amazing experience I have probably ever had. I honestly felt kind of out of the loop today for some reason though. I dunno it was a weird day and I did have quite alot of time to spend in my room. I don't really know what to expect from this place yet but I can't wait.
I have been making some friends that I know will turn out to be some of the best that I will probably ever have, and half of them are just in my backyard. The only thing that is getting to me is I have early week class work due throughout the semester..aka like the next month, which requires lots of reading and understanding which I don't really read and I am hoping that I can grasp the concept of this subject because it's not an easy one at all. This is already adding up to stress.
Here is what I love most though. I feel so alive here. More than I have ever felt in a really long time. I'm trying to be adventurous, spontaneous, and put myself out there on a line lie I never have before. I guess I'm still kind of shy even though I'm like 3-4 years older than most everyone down here (they don't know that..ha) and trying not to come off as annoying. I don't think I am I just want to be a good student and person that everyone loves being around. I guess I just need to leave it up to God, I mean he does seem to be pointing me in the right direction already.
Well I need to hit the books a bit before bed.
~B

Start Of A New Era at CCU...

So for any of you that didn't know I am now attending Cincinnati Christian University majoring in Business. I'm actually sitting in my earl week class right now..(I know I'm slacking) which is insanly long. OK so this whole week the class runs from 830-5 with about an hour for lunch and a few breaks here and there it's unreal and intense. I'm taking Ancient Greek and Roman History which honestly is really intresesting but I'm ancey (sp?). My classes are looking to be a lot of fun but there will be lots of work which who looks orward to anyways?
Life here on campus is amazing. I love having that feel of a small college where almost everyone knows everyone. I have been making some good friends already, many of them I have already met or we have common friends and all kinds of stuff. I am really looking forward to meeting more once classes start and I put into the mix of things.
The chapel services here are amazing. Probably the best one's I have ever seen anywhere. It's basically a full fledged rock show with mainstream praise music which is awesome. I'm going to try and keep blogging, lord knows I don't do it, and let you know how I'm doing every once in a while.
I better get back to paying attenton,
~B

Valentines Day and the Return of Staple

I am bored. No doubt as I stand here at work and wait to shut up shop. It's been a hectic last two days and today has seemed to die down quite a bit. It's a nice change of pace. About $6000 for this weekend alone is dang impressive. I just can't wait to get out of here and go home, even though I have to do house work it's less demanding in a sense, and I have more freedom. So Valentines day was yesterday and guess what, I worked 1-8. Had a meeting at 9 am so I didn't even go home till the end of the night. Ashley and I went out for a nice dinner at the Olive Garden, like 30% of america did as well. It was pretty amazing minus the waiting bit (We got skipped over a few times for some reason). We then went home and watched a movie for the remainder of the night. Lot's of fun!
So as posted Staple is returning and I am excited for the return show with Oh Sleeper. This may be one of the most amazing shows in the history of shows. Check it out if you get a chance. The new stuff is rather amazing too. Just a little fyi.
B