808s and Heartbreak

Let's focus on the opposite sex for this blog.

I'm always a "great guy" but never good enough to be dateable it seems.

I mean everyone has their crushes and interests. Some have one, some have a couple, I don't think it's that bad or uncommon. But the thing that sucks the most is when you start letting this issue consume your days, your weeks.

I have put everything I want in front of my relationship with Jesus. It's a serious turnoff for about anyone who will read this and I don't think most people will believe me when I say that it's never been an act of desperation to find my soulmate. I'm perfectly happy being single, I have time, money, it's great.

I know one day I'll find a gorgeous, perfect girl and I am going to do my best to be the best husband and loving father that I can be. I think about it form time to time and it makes me happy knowing in my heart that I am going to be able to put that girl up on a pedestal and make her feel like she is the most loved and important person in the entire world. I hope I make her understand that she is my everything and I will love her until death. I'll be a great father, and show my kids how much they mean to me and that they are the most precious things to me, along side their mother. But that is a ways down the road.

But it's been getting in the way of a lot of things. I have been worrying about trying to find happiness in others that I have been ignoring that Jesus has been trying to get my attention. Amongst the emotions of this week God has seriously been like "snap out of it, um I'm waiting." I think this is a time for me to build my personal security and find out my identity.

I can't believe I have put a self serving love in front of an unconditional love that just wants me to let him take care of it. I'll be honest I am really scared to let someone else be in control of my life. That and I lack patience. I don't feel like I have let God play a big enough role to ease my nerves about all of this stuff, maybe that's why I am so frustrated. I need to let God show me that I am a good guy, build my security, show me what he wants for me and then he'll take care of things.

God is such a huge deal to me, I think that I have always been so concerned with taking care of things myself that I have just shoved him to the side and that's probably why things don't ever work out. I honestly feel like if they did they probably wouldn't be good. if I wasn't complacent with God's involvement in my own life, they'd be a mess if I threw someone else into the equation.

I love Jesus with all my heart. I have always associated myself with David. Like David I have always defied God, but I want to be the greatest follower of God, be a man after his heart. I want to be steadfast in my faith and truly believe and trust that someone else can make everything go right, that someone else will make things great for me. But I always do the opposite and do what he wants. Maybe it's time to let go and let God start leading my life where he has always meant for it to go.
~B