Another Year Gone, Another Clean Slate

Well this is the end of the year review if you want to call it that, and what a year it’s been. There’s been lots of highs and lots of lows. Despite all of the negative things I could complain about I am choosing not to and will admit that I have done some growing this year. I have done a lot of embarrassing, shameful and dumb things, said a lot of dumb things and am not too entirely happy with myself or my past, but the great thing about it all is that you fall to learn. 

Despite these things in my past but I honestly feel like God has been speaking to me and I hope to overcome these obstacles and issues that weigh me down in my life this summer. I have an opportunity to come clean, start over, and do things right because God has given me the opportunity. It’s not going to be easy, I have a lot of emotional issues, habits to break, and need to let go of my past and move on. 

I want to thank those friends of mine that have been there for me through the thick and the thin. Those who have lent an ear, gave me advice, prayed for me and have just been amazing friends. If it weren’t for you I might be in a worse place that I am right now. Thank you for never giving up on me. 

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

I am an interesting character. It’s always been my knowledge of how dumb I can be though sometimes. I have always tried my hardest to be someone who loves, treats people with honor and respect yet so many times I have failed over and over and over again. I have now realized that I am in need of a character change. I’ve been an idiot for far too long and it’s costing me things that mean a lot. It’s not an easy obstacle to overcome but it’s something that needs to happen. God has a lot of work to do and it’s time to start placing all of my trust in him that I can change into the man that I know he wants me to be. I don’t want to be angry, frustrated, the creep of a guy that I (despite people opposing these) that I am, because it’s brought me nothing but trouble. I’m sorry to those that I have been disrespectful to, those who’s lives I have made stressful, the drama I have created, trust me I’m just as disappointed as you are.
But I am a good man.
But I have flaws, and those flaws have cost me friendship and a reputation that I sometimes don’t think can mend. I’ll never be understood as anyone other than what I have displayed since the time I have been here. I am ashamed of that. I hope that in the future I can change peoples minds and hopefully will amount up to someone who is really worthy of being called a great friend and a TRUE man of God. It’s not my purpose in life to be what any of you want, it’s what God wants me to be, but I have even failed at that and for that I apologize. I have been so dumb to those people in my life that I care about and have acted childish and there is no taking that back. I should have acted like a real man, but I didn’t. I hope that this can somehow work out for the better.

I have a lot to get off of my chest tonight. This is going to be a little hectic but I feel this is a way to really do this.
First I am sick of feeling like I stand in peoples shadows. I am the younger brother, and I have lived my entire life feeling like I stand in the shadows of my brother and other people, feel like I am less intelligent, like I am less thought of, (not loved by any means, but I feel like others are held in higher regard than me because of my personality). It makes me so mad that I have always lived in this shadow, and it drives me to want to be more successful than them, to show others that I am not the little brother or the shy person who lets others take the prize, I’m going to be someone great and do great things with my life because that is what God has in store for me.
Maybe that’s where a lot of my anger and frustration comes from. I was told that I was the one with the personality and not the brains by someone close to me. Whether it was in a joking manner or not it hurt pretty good because it makes me feel like crap. I love the person anyways but that sucks. I’m also sick of people treating me like I am in middle school when I am a 24 year old adult. I don’t need people telling me to stop being upset or to not do or say this because I am capable of doing this myself. It’s getting kind of old and I am not the little brother anymore.
Secondly I was jokingly told that I am probably one of the most feared people here at CCU. This sucks, joking or not. I’m not mad at anyone but myself. I realize how much of an idiot I am, and realize it’s probably best i haven’t ever got anything I have ever attempted here because i don’t deserve it because of how I treat others and how I handle things, whatever that might be (friendships, girls, music opportunities..anything).
I don’t know what the future holds for me but I hope that God changes my heart, transforms my life and helps me find peace that I am looking for in these situations because they really do put me in a crap mood. I am proud to be who I am, and although I might seem rough around the edges sometimes, or seem this or that I love Jesus with all my heart and I am a great guy with a lot to offer and a lot of love to show and give to others who want it and someone will notice that someday.

Believe Me I'm Lying

Due to these upcoming events and other things, I have found it on my heart to start engaging more in my prayer life. My prayer life, or sometimes lack thereof has been the downfall of my walk with Christ. Sometimes I get so caught up my day to day activities that I forget or never get around to simply talking with God. It’s something that my life needs because I have needs. 

Let’s be frank, life is good but sometimes I just let things really get to me. It’s because of all of these fears, doubts, failures that I have began turning to God. It’s still something that I am consistently working on but the amount of joy I find in casting all of my worries on Christ presents an overwhelming sense of satisfaction and encouragement. Prayer is a powerful thing.

As I continue on my journey I begin to find a new sense of trust and relief in God that I can’t find anywhere on this earth. I really wish that there was another way to fully escape some of life’s hardships but the only way to fully relieve it’s stresses is by praying and giving it all to God. 

Upon this upcoming trip to Ireland here in 2 days I have really been praying that God heal me, use me, and help me find peace in a place that last time offered me one of the greatest times of peace in my life. Things make it a little different but I trust that I can help me let go and find peace, allowing him to work through me, helping me change the lives of the people of Northern Ireland. All I know is that I love Jesus with all of my heart and I realize that he has a plan for me. If I pray and ask for him to guide me, and give me opportunity he will do so. That’s what an all loving God does.

Romans 8:26
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.

808s and Heartbreak

Let's focus on the opposite sex for this blog.

I'm always a "great guy" but never good enough to be dateable it seems.

I mean everyone has their crushes and interests. Some have one, some have a couple, I don't think it's that bad or uncommon. But the thing that sucks the most is when you start letting this issue consume your days, your weeks.

I have put everything I want in front of my relationship with Jesus. It's a serious turnoff for about anyone who will read this and I don't think most people will believe me when I say that it's never been an act of desperation to find my soulmate. I'm perfectly happy being single, I have time, money, it's great.

I know one day I'll find a gorgeous, perfect girl and I am going to do my best to be the best husband and loving father that I can be. I think about it form time to time and it makes me happy knowing in my heart that I am going to be able to put that girl up on a pedestal and make her feel like she is the most loved and important person in the entire world. I hope I make her understand that she is my everything and I will love her until death. I'll be a great father, and show my kids how much they mean to me and that they are the most precious things to me, along side their mother. But that is a ways down the road.

But it's been getting in the way of a lot of things. I have been worrying about trying to find happiness in others that I have been ignoring that Jesus has been trying to get my attention. Amongst the emotions of this week God has seriously been like "snap out of it, um I'm waiting." I think this is a time for me to build my personal security and find out my identity.

I can't believe I have put a self serving love in front of an unconditional love that just wants me to let him take care of it. I'll be honest I am really scared to let someone else be in control of my life. That and I lack patience. I don't feel like I have let God play a big enough role to ease my nerves about all of this stuff, maybe that's why I am so frustrated. I need to let God show me that I am a good guy, build my security, show me what he wants for me and then he'll take care of things.

God is such a huge deal to me, I think that I have always been so concerned with taking care of things myself that I have just shoved him to the side and that's probably why things don't ever work out. I honestly feel like if they did they probably wouldn't be good. if I wasn't complacent with God's involvement in my own life, they'd be a mess if I threw someone else into the equation.

I love Jesus with all my heart. I have always associated myself with David. Like David I have always defied God, but I want to be the greatest follower of God, be a man after his heart. I want to be steadfast in my faith and truly believe and trust that someone else can make everything go right, that someone else will make things great for me. But I always do the opposite and do what he wants. Maybe it's time to let go and let God start leading my life where he has always meant for it to go.
~B

Dinner With A Gypsy

   So my summer is officially over. It was a long grueling one at that too, working in the paving business. Well I didn't do actual paving, but about everything else associated with it (seal-coating, urethane for running tracks, crack filling, resurfacing tennis courts) basically 11-15 hour days all week long. Total suckage, but awesome...buckage? (Yes I win that one) It made me learn to appreciate those individuals who are in these lines of work.

I guess if I could pick something out of the summer that really hit me other than the 2 week stint of making $1,000 take home pay it would have to be my final day of work this last Friday. The individuals of Heiberger Paving were the most high quality people, most holding numerous criminal records w/jail time, drug and alcohol addictions and mouths so filthy they would make Lil Wayne look like Joe Jonas. Let's just say it's been a trip.

So my final day I was working with some individuals at a local High School resurfacing a tennis court, and one of the guys just got on my nerves. He couldn't hardly talk, was drinking all day long, yelled at me all the time and basically rolled his eyes at me like I was the most useless person on the planet. He was just a grumpy old strung out guy. I about lost it and made a little gesture that I'm sure he probably caught. I am not proud of it and felt bad and extremely awkward as I realized I would have to drive him back to the shop (suspended license, another thing most people had). As we geared up for our drive back home I actually prayed and said "God, please let this go by quick and not be awkward I can't stand this guy at all." 

God answered my prayer.

But he made it a bit better.

It started when I called my Dad to tell him I was on my way home I mentioned something about the soon to be done tattoo. I hung up the phone and he asked me (drunk btw but still) "What's your tattoo?" I explained it to him, feeling kind of weird that he'd tell me it was stupid cause it's about God. 

No.

"So you religious?"

"Yeah I'm a Christian."

That single question opened up the door for a 30 minute conversation about God, religion, and other things.

Now I understood that he was very firm in not caring about God or religion at all, and nothing was going to change his mind, but the opportunity to plant the seed was there and I got to take it. It's funny how God can take situations like that and make them into such a goldmine of opportunity to share the love of Jesus. 

It was a great summer.   

~B

To The Service

To The Service. What a great title. I absolutely love this song and this band. It's rock and roll worship at it's finest. I think it gives an accurate depiction of how precious worship really is. Paddy really throws out some awesome lyrics.

I think that worship is a time to glorify God for the great things he has done for us. It's a time for us to come clean and prepare for God and his presence. I especially love the line "We will worship like it's the last time." It shows us that we should make it a serious personal event and should hold it up with fervor and entitlement to God like it's the last time we ever will.

Worship is a service to God for the things he's done.

Prepare yourself.

Good stuff.